Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
You Might Also Like
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.