Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.