Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves