Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Ovenable?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
the red hot silly peppers
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six