Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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1. Pour out how much you think you need
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canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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