Stop being racist to kettles.
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing