Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Never forget.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
📽️movie date🎞️
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Yup
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.