Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Ugh but profoundly
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?