Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
his wife is probably gonna see that
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
i will not be silenced
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.