@josswhedon: Wait, women get the WHOLE DAY? Is that in every country? It's night where I am is it over can it be about me again
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@QwertyJones3: An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
@anildash: Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying "My, uh… friend said…"
@dave_cactus: ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
@Ameiam: My date told me I have nice skin. It's not like he's gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*