[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
the three branches of government
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.