Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Just how popey was the pope today?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Cheers Twitter.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.