Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can鈥檛 find my Funyuns.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
馃幎Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me馃幎
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
How鈥檚 virtual school going for you? I鈥檒l start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
MUM 馃槼
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma鈥檚 pierogis part.
I鈥檓 sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?