@Home_Halfway: Wait...you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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@TheBoydP: Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
@zero3_benz: You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?