@Home_Halfway: Wait...you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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@stacywawa1: The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul? Wonder which of us he was referring to?
@ProfaneDane: An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
@KalvinMacleod: MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’ NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy