Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.