Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year