Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
no one likes gloating
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I hope it’s French Onion!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie