I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate