Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”