waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
dream blunt rotation
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.