waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.