This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.