Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Finally a use for spoilers…
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?