[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Guys, I found it.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈