Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
You Might Also Like
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?