Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.