Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“Why you watching this shit?”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.