I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
This could be us… but you playing
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230