Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That