Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’