@cbme69: Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?
Me: Did you laminate these yourself?
@cervixsmash: Brunos are from mars, freddies are from mercury
@mlinhart: Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
@Dutch_50: I'll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, "Nope. I'd rather stay out here."
@yayraptor: [dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad
@HeyZeus666: Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.