waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
im all 3
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger