Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.