waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy