waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
me before I type out affect or effect
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice