waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.