waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.