Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
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Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]