My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
X-tra spooky blend
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.