WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
You Might Also Like
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle