Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You Might Also Like
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!