waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.