Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??