“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.