@Smug_Lemur: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back"
-m'am, I believe that's your husband.
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@therichards5: [looks at text from 2 days ago] Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
@scrirc: All the single ladies (All the single ladies) All the single ladies (All the single ladies) Have cats.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
@AmishPornStar1: Never judge a book by its cover... Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
@jeannerbeaner: "No more self-deprecating tweets," I whisper fatly.
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