Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Twitter is the new flypaper.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.