Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.