Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Siri, fight Alexa.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
grotesque if literal: baby food
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“No way.” -Jose
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying