Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine