Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
why no one uses midhusbands
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this