Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.