Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot